I am going through some personal stuff right now.
(1) I don’t like it,
(2) I didn’t cause it,
(3) I can’t change it (what happened) and
(4) I need help dealing with it.
Is there anyone reading this who can relate to me? My wife, Abbie, passed away on January 30, and I’m working through emotions, the depths of which I have never experienced before. At times my sorrow feels like a saddle that is thrown on my back weighing me down as I go through my days of adjustment to loss and aloneness. Perhaps some of you can relate to this emotional pain. If so, I want to share some things that I used to teach from my head, that I now share from my heart.
There are several things I wish to impart to you that are helping me, and I hope will help you should you go through a time of extreme grief. As I have told my seminar attendees, I do not come with a new alphabet; it is still A-Z in English. The only thing we may change is the combination of letters or the sequence in which they are combined and coin new words (Ex. “Art” (Friend), “Tar” (something that goes with Feathers), or “Rat” (maybe a brother-in-law). All three words have the same three letters but are simply arranged in a different sequence. Oxford English Dictionary attributes Shakespeare with coining over 520 new words in the 1600s. I will not do that in this article.
Our discussions may use some words that are new to you, but they represent principles that are well-established axioms of behavioral science. The symbol for Psychotherapy and Psychology is the shovel. Sigmund would say it this way, “Freud’s the name, and excavations the game!” Digging into one’s past is a significant aspect of our counseling procedures. However, our digging must have some rhyme and reason to it. It is not simply to exhume all the dead things from your past and leave them scattered around the room. They represent the Bereavement events that have brought on our Grief.
To emphasize the process of digging down, in order to pull up our hurts and pains, I would like to quote an internationally known Bard (which is “drab” spelled backwards) named Paul Overstreet. He penned these grief-stricken and despairing words that speak so poignantly to our subject of Grief.
“Diggin Up Bones”
1. Last night I dug your picture, out from our old dresser drawer
I set it on the table, and I talked to it 'til four
I read some old love letters, right up 'til the break of dawn
Yeah, I've been sittin' alone, diggin' up bones.
Chorus:
I'm diggin' up bones, I’m diggin' up bones,
Exhuming things that’s better left alone,
I'm resurrecting memories, of a love that's dead and gone
Yeah tonight I’m sittin' alone, diggin' up bones.
2. Then I went through the jewelry, and I found our wedding rings
I put mine on my finger, and I gave yours a fling
Across this lonely bedroom, of our recent broken home
Yeah tonight I'm sittin' alone, diggin' up bones.
3. And I went through the closet, and I found some things in there
Like that pretty negligee, that I bought you to wear
And I recall how good you looked, each time you had it on
Yeah tonight I'm sittin' alone, diggin' up bones.
When we sit together, in a group or separately, and discuss the painful issues of your past, it will be for the purpose of giving it a proper burial…not performing a protracted autopsy! Even on my best counseling day I am no Lysanias (SC 3078, “trouble or grief-dispelling” Luke 3:1, “Now in the fifteenth year of the reign of Tiberius Caesar, Pontius Pilate being governor of Judaea, and Herod being tetrarch of Galilee, and his brother Philip tetrarch of Ituraea and of the region of Trachonitis, and Lysanias the tetrarch (‘Governor’) of Abilene…”). However, I will do my best to help guide you through the processes of dealing with your Grief.
King Solomon’s Counseling Consult
Compare a Clock (24 hours) with a Calendar (30 days)
1) “To everything there is a season (LXX, chro’nos), and a time (LXX, kai-ros’) to every purpose under the heaven: 4. A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 5. A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 6. A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
(Ecclesiastes 3:1,4,5,6)
In these insightful words from Ecclesiastes, King Solomon introduced the concept of the compartmentalization of the events in one’s life. He used an existing concept to take an abstract perception and give it a concrete understanding. In speaking to people who understood farming or ranching, he made the differentiation between an hour and a day, a moment and a month, an event and an epic in process. The lesson to be learned here, and we’ll deal at length later, is to schedule a time to grieve, and then stop until your next scheduled appointment.
DO NOT ALLOW GRIEF TO DICTATE YOUR DAY.
For us today, we might use the contrast between a snapshot and a movie to illustrate the Grieving process. In Greek Grammar, the snapshot is in the Punctilliar or Aorist Tense, and the Movie is in the Present Active Tense. Nevertheless, both terms conform to the principle of truth that Solomon was stating. Namely, some things are stationary, and some are fluid. Some situations pass quickly, while others seem to drag on for an interminable length of time.
Both snapshots and movies are photographed in FRAMES. One frame makes it a snapshot, while multiple frames make it a movie. Our “Time Frames” in life are registered either by “chronos” or “kairos”…the clock or the calendar times or seasons! The calendar is composed of many clocks ticking away, 24 hours a day. We know the clock can be extended into a calendar. Can we reduce the events of a calendar to fit within the scope of a clock?
My goal is to help you see which of life’s situations are snapshots, which are movies, and determine if it is possible to transition from one to the other. As an example of transitioning, in cattle breeding we know insemination only takes a “moment. However, “gestation” takes months. You can hurry insemination, but you cannot change the gestation period of cattle. Therefore, if you cannot tolerate the waiting for your calf to be born, you need to start raising rabbits!
The evaluation and determination of our life events is totally subjective. What is “normal” for one may be “abnormal” for another. What is bearable for one may be unbearable for another. This subjective evaluation is categorized by what we refer to as “Swing Issues or Flames Issues.” With the help of a professional counselor, you can learn to identify, quantify, and qualify the bereavement issues in your life. Then, you will be able to handle your grief before it handles you!
How can this be done, you may ask. It is accomplished by evaluating the Content of the Grief within the Context of Hope. We are not satisfied to just help you cope with your grief. We want to help you conquer the debilitating effects of your grief. These 4 axioms of Grief are essential to reaching our goal.
1) Predictable (Painful and predictable events)…ACCEPT IT.
2) Subjective (Swing/Flames Issues)…EMBRACE IT
3) Manageable (You can control your emotions)…LEARN IT.
4) Transitional (Process, not a metamorphosis)…DO IT.
If you need more on the subject, feel free to contact me and I will be happy to help you handle your grief before it manhandles YOU! I am here for you. Let’s talk!
****A Personal Word to Our Readers from Dr. Frazier****
Please feel free to share your questions, observations, or insights with our readers and me. Website: http://www.donfrazier.com
Author: Donald Frazier
| Author's Website: http://donfrazier.com
Written: 03/01/2010
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Category: Golden Nuggets
Comments: 2
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Dr.Frazier, please know that you've been in my thoughts & prayers and those of many others. Your writings have been a tremendous blessing and it is a credit to the Lord & to you that in the midst of your sorrow, you are able to reach out to others in the very writing of this column.God be praised! Abbie is not so much in your past anymore as she is in your future. May He who conquered death forevermore, comfort you on every side.
Brother Frazier,
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